Dos And Don’ts Of RelationshipsPublished on November 1, 2013

It’s so much fun to have your life interwoven
with another person in a close tie called
relationship/marriage. Dreaming and desiring
to love and be loved is an integral part of
human development.
First we are faced with the battles of
convincing ourselves that the feelings of love
is alright and acceptable to people of a
particular age bracket. Sometimes you
mistakenly or ignorantly take it too far
thinking something is terribly wrong with the
way you feel towards the opposite sex. Having
crushes have left many in self condemnation
and emotional failure.
Yes, the feeling is natural and will always be
there; you can either move it to the next level
of building a relationship or simply suffocate
it where it was. I was once asked if married
couples ever face the temptation of being
attracted to other people other than their
spouses. It might sound silly because we hear
and witness cases of adultery, infidelity and
betrayal every now and then but I think what
this person really wanted to know was to be
sure if marriage was a way out for flirts.
Unfortunately, people still flirt even with their
spouses sitting or standing right next to them.
Those eyes still wonder far and pierce through
places beyond the physical realm; the mind
makes images and imaginations of pleasure
that may never materialise.
It will always remain your responsibility to
keep your emotions under control and be
contented with what you have got. You know,
one lesson I’ve learnt in life and try to pass it
to my loved ones is the fact that you can
never have everything in life, otherwise you’ll
become a dumping ground. There will always
be beautiful women around and cute guys will
forever walk down the road. Be strong enough
to accept that they look good but are not for
you if you have already gotten one or it is
obvious they have given their love to someone
else. There is no need to live in denial saying;
“My spouse is the most beautiful or most
handsome”. Why? You do not need to sing
this! He/she is beautiful and good enough for
you: that was why you got together in the first
place so spare us the lies that you have never
seen anyone else as lovely. It will be more
honourable to say “I am COMMITTED to my
spouse and will have the best of times
together”. Forget that beauty and looks stuff;
we all know the truth. We are faithful to our
loved ones because we have promised to keep
to them and love them only till death do us
part and there is nothing greater than this
commitment. The ability to stand by your
choice is great evidence of maturity, discipline
and self-control.
Let’s consider a few things that can help in
relationships:
•Love And Value Yourself: Charity they say
begins at home and you’ve only been told to
love your neighbour as yourself and not more
than yourself. A sense of self worth goes a
long way to help you appreciate the ‘you’ that
is within and outside. If the outward
appearance is not great; draw strength from
great personality and grace deposited inside.
Work on things you can improve and find a
reason to be happy. Nobody wants to take up
the job of making you HAPPY; that job
vacancy has to be filled by you alone. There is
a way you treat yourself that your spouse will
have no option than to respect you. I listened
to a famous speaker recently who had come
through a life of self deprivation. She believed
the good things of life were unnecessary
luxury but her husband helped her understand
she should go for what she desires if she
could afford it. Happy people are a lot easier
to work with than grumpy, bitter souls who
feel life has not favoured them in any way. If
you do not sincerely love yourself; it will be
difficult to freely give love to others without
feeling deprived, drained and exasperated.
•Don’t Be Prescriptive: I’ve never wanted to be
a mum or baby to my husband. A mum/dad
tells you what to do, how to do and when to
do it. A baby clings to you and depends on
you for everything. Neither parent nor baby
approach is healthy for a successful
relationship. It’s just nice to be an adult that
he/she met and know that you both consented
to be responsible. I don’t want to be at the
centre of every decision; be free to take
decisions and discuss with me to check if
that’s fine or we find a common ground
together. Being afraid of making mistake is a
terrible state. Is anyone perfect? Allow your
spouse to enjoy being an adult: if things turn
out sour, be supportive and move on together.
It’s cool to have your spouse seek your
opinion and not you trying to dominate or
force your thought through.
•Independence Not Arrogance: People find it
so difficult to draw a line between being
independent and displaying arrogance. Being
able to handle certain things without your
spouse’s initiative will sure earn you some
respect and help the relationship to be better.
This spans from financial to social and a lot
more. A wife/husband who is fond of driving
the car but never buying fuel is inviting insult
from the spouse except it has been clearly
stated that one person should handle this
aspect of the home. But if not, some day, he/
she will remind you that the car you are about
to take out has an empty tank. You’ll
definitely not like that but you caused it; isn’t
it? Having some level of independence will
sure reduce pressure on your spouse. Some
people have found themselves shuttling
between two jobs or taking a night shift not
because they enjoy it but the desire to
maintain their respect is important. It’s good
for your spouse to know that you can look
after yourself and earn a living. I always ask
“What if you were not married, won’t you
survive”? Don’t be a burden to anyone; if your
present situation does not permit you going
out to work, look closely and you’ll find
something you can do from home till the
situation improves.
•Care For Others: I’m always afraid when
people say my spouse is my best friend and
everything to me; I have no other friend in the
world and do not need any at all. What a
burden to put on one person! Please love your
spouse; don’t get me wrong but allocate some
time to relate with others so you can have a
balanced life. It’s difficult for you to convince
me that someone who does not give a hoot
about others can be an awesome lover. It’s a
matter of time before he/she starts to treat
you like a piece of trash; just like others. The
more you show care for others, the more
fulfilled you become and be willing to share
that sweetness with your spouse. Caring for
others also gives you a reason to be alive and
active.