6 Bits Of Relationship Wisdom My Married SelfWould Like To Tell My Single

I feel pretty good about my path toward a
forever-partner. I dated a lot of guys, had
numerous long- and longish-term
relationships and a lot of premarital sex . I
don’t believe that marriage is “the end” of your
emotional or sexual growth as a woman, but
I’m also glad I did everything I wanted to do
as a single gal. That plan might not be right
for everyone, but it was right for me. I’m
happier than I’ve ever been and I have no
regrets!
I knew that my husband was the right partner
for me when we decided to get married. A
particular joy of being newlyweds, though, is
that I discover new reasons all the time. But
there’s been another happy surprise, too.
Settling into each other has also been hugely
clarifying for me about men I’ve dated and
even loved in the past. It’s almost like having
a fresh pair of eyes to look at myself and
mistakes I made. Truly, being with the right
guy has taught me so many things in
retrospect about the wrong ones.
Here are six bits of relationship wisdom that
my married self would like to tell my single
self (if she would able to read the Future
Frisky and learn a few things):
1. The right guy isn’t going to see you as a
liability. All of us carry around reasons in our
head for why no one should ever love us, date
us, or marry us. We do this whether we’re
single or coupled or, heck, maybe even
married. Some of the reasons are wounds from
our childhood, some are wounds from past
relationships, and some are wounds from our
own neuroses. One of the reasons I knew Kale
was right for me was that every time I shared
something new that I worried might scare him
off, it actually made us closer. Nothing scared
him off. There’s a huge amount of trust
involved in telling someone about your sexual
preferences, or family’s alcoholism and drug
addiction, or your student loan debt, and them
not only sticking around but saying, “I still
like you — hey, I think I like you even more
because you handle your shit!” The payoff for
your vulnerability is that you are bonded to
someone who knows everything about you,
including the deep dark stuff you hide in the
corners. True acceptance is really the
cornerstone of love and makes the
relationship strong.
2. A huge amount of consistently enjoying sex
(at least for me) is the good connection you
have outside of bed. Sometimes I have envied
people who choose to only enjoy sexual
activity with people to whom they’re securely
bonded. This is not to make a dig at casual
sex. I’ve had some great casual sex. But I’ve
also observed that my sex life is consistently
happier and more enjoyable now that I have a
constant, solid, secure connection with a man
outside of the bedroom. Fun sex is more fun.
Romantic sex is more romantic. Hot, dirty sex
is more hot and dirty. In retrospect, I can now
see that the “meh” feelings I had about sex
with past partners were actually a canary in
the coal mine for relationship problems (which
had nothing to do with sex, but nevertheless
affected our sex lives). Had I known that a
better partner and better sex existed down the
road, I would have thrown in the towel earlier
on crappier relationships. OK, I just mixed
metaphors, but you know what I mean.
3. Men who insist on you being really
“feminine” oftentimes really just want you to
be weak. Be wary of men who complain about
women not being “feminine” enough and
especially wary of men who want you to be
more “feminine.” They might couch it by
saying they wish you wore more dresses (or
more makeup, or whatever) but I’ve come to
the conclusion these sorts of men really want
you to be weak. They don’t actually care
whether you wear a dress or not. They care
that you don’t threaten them . Some guys see
femininity as weakness or passivity and they
want you to display it as proof. But the right
guy will make you feel really feminine if you
yourself feel really feminine . You won’t feel the
obligation to put on eyeliner, or something, to
play act at femininity as a twisted, fucked up
performance for him.
4. You are kinda involved in the other person’s
family, too. I didn’t realize while I was dating
how much a person’s family and family
problems impact their relationship. This is
especially true for men who refuse to
acknowledge or deal with their problems with
a therapist. I dated guys who had bad
divorces and messy relationships with their
exes. I dated guys with severe mommy issues
and guys with severe daddy issues. I dated
guys whose parents were unfaithful and torn
apart, or on the brink of splitting up, and they
had a lot of resentment and fear. When I was
dating these guys, I reluctantly accepted that
their family’s shit was stuff I was going to
have to deal with, even though sometimes it
was stuff that brought me a lot of anxiety (like
the ex with the messy divorce). I also
reluctantly accepted that these guys were so
justifiably hurt, angry and resentful, but
refused to examine their feelings. That’s just
the way it is, I thought. I’m glad that I ended
these relationships when I did because the
breakups came as a huge relief. So the
opposite side of the coin for what I just wrote
in #1 is true as well: you won’t see the right
guy as a liability, either.
5. Trying to help other people help themselves
rarely works. For better or for worse, I am the
Queen Of Adopting Wounded Birds. I have a
lot of concern and empathy for people I care
about, so I try to help solve their problems
when I genuinely think I can help. Sounds nice,
right? Noble, even. Well, not really — in fact,
some people find that dynamic downright
annoying and almost everyone doesn’t want
help. They want to do things themselves
(except — spoiler alert! — oftentimes they
don’t want to do jack shit). Overall, I wish I
had gotten less involved in other people’s
mental health shit. I do genuinely believe that
certain ex-boyfriends could have benefitted
from seeing a therapist, or in one case,
perhaps even going on anti-anxiety
medication. But it’s not my place to try to get
anyone to do anything they don’t want to do.
All you can do is convey your needs and fears
to someone; they will do with that information
what they choose. You’re just a passenger
along for the ride.
6. Don’t settle. Really, don’t . ”I can do better
than this” is toxic for a relationship. It’s toxic
to the person feeling it and it’s toxic for the
other person. We should all be partnered, for
the short-term and the long-term, for people
who we feel just right about being with. Don’t
stay with someone who you see as a liability;
don’t be with someone who you think isn’t
good enough for you. I’m so, so glad that I
didn’t settle for past relationships which
weren’t so right for me but where marriage
was on the table. I’m even glad I had to go
through a really horrible breakup. I wasn’t
glad about it at the time or for a long while
afterwards, actually! But now I can see that it
was a blessing in disguise. It meant I was
single and online dating at the same time
Kale was single and online dating. If I had
settled in the past, I would have missed out
on the best person to ever come into my life.
These are just a few of the things I’ve learned.
Anyone else care to share your hard-won
relationship wisdom in the comments?